***LONG BUT ULTRA IMPORTANT POST / MUSING***
“I’m sitting down today to journal for the first time in about a week in total acknowledgement that there’s something (or a couple somethings) inside that i am and have been silently running from/avoiding looking at.
Which explains the lack of clarity, inspiration, excitement, etc. lately, and overall just existing in a half awake, completely neutral state of being for a week or so– neutral meaning not overly up, not overly down.
So here i am today, right now, sitting down to ask what is going on?
Every time i’ve sat down to journal lately, i end up either just staring at the page, pen in hand, doing surface I AM’s which are great but not always fulfilling, or just distracting myself. Every time i look forward, even at traveling which is entirely exciting, i feel lackluster and kind of gross. 100% not excited. I don’t desire to journal or write, or move, or do any of the things i usually adore doing. Not even study reality creation which to me, is the ultimate sign of something being up.
Every time i look forward, i feel unclear. That i don’t know what i want.
Which is interesting because i simultaneously feel clearer than ever before on HOW i create my reality. (which ironically has a lot to do with letting go of the how) and yet, i feel for some reason that i don’t know WHAT i want.
It is strange because i also don’t & haven’t felt blatantly bad either for any of the past week. Actually, i have had a really great week. Just sort of… neutral. At an energetic median. Or maybe feeling good, but sensing that there are underlying stories happening.
–I literally just distracted myself again. Its been like 10 minutes since that last paragraph.–
I feel that a new paradigm is within “reach” (not that anything is ever out of reach, it isn’t. But you know what i mean) filled with unwavering self love, confidence, well-being, and drive/hunger/excitement/flow, and literally all the other things–save for moments of contrast. Yet even as i write that, and am excited at first, i am quickly overcome with what feels a whole damn lot like resistance.
Is it just that there’s a part of me believing i can’t have what i want? That i’m not worthy? That it is easier just to convince myself i don’t know what i want?
Yeah, as i ask myself that question, i feel myself look back at all the times i’ve tried and “failed” even though i know they aren’t failures, but in fact things i chose to learn or remember that ultimately led me here.
There’s a part of me that feels not good enough to hold an entire empire & impact people- i look at that part of me and see/feel smallness, ideas of good and bad, and self judgments of how i couldn’t possibly have any value to offer. Oh no, not me, my mind says.
I feel as though i don’t desire to do it in any way that isn’t true to me – which is natural but i suppose alludes to the fact that i have story going that tells me i have to do it in a way that isn’t exactly what i want- and upon telling myself that, i convince myself i don’t know how to do it my own way or i don’t know what it is or it doesn’t exist, which is obviously just a story and unwillingness to choose.
Not ready, not ready, not ready, plagues my mind even though i AM ready for the experience- readiness is just a choice. So, I suppose it is just me feeling not good enough.
There is a part of me perpetually seeking newness- not out of a desire for expansion, which is always present, but out of growing weary of the same old stories i’ve been telling for years. Looking for a drastic change in mindset- understandable and exciting.
There’s a part of me carrying a shame at not being better in every aspect of my life- again, unworthiness.
This whole thing is interesting because in stating those things, i don’t feel dark or heavy at all, in fact i feel light. Probably because i am seeing them in an objective light, as stories. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know i can have all i want, or rather all i am.
I know it is available to me and-
I know it is available to me now.
I know i can not only have it, but i can have it exactly as i ask for it.
I’ve created many things deliberately before, with ease and joy.
I know i can do it again.
I know i can feel all i want to feel
And i know i can feel it in an instant.
And i know that THAT creates the tangible experience.
So, i know how to deliberately create, i know it is accessible, and i know it is accessible now. The question then becomes, WHY am i allowing things to stand in the way, or more likely, WHY am i creating obstacles and then buying into them?
There’s a part of me saying still, not ready, not ready, not ready, because i believe if i go full force with it, to the degree i know i can, i believe i will completely blast off. Maybe a ruse of the ego to think i am so special that i could just blast the fuck off- but it’s only a choice, and HEY… i AM that special.
So it’s like a sense of unworthiness coupled with a fear of the unknown- what lies at the place i blast off to?
Am i courageous enough to face the unknown?
One step at a time?”
End journal entry.
I’d been avoiding sitting down to journal all this out because i had feared that diving into it would end with me drowning a little bit in unworthiness. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be able to see my stories objectively- and also, as i said in the entry, i felt gross every time i sat down.
So i just avoided it, and avoided it, and avoided it, until finally, i just forced myself to get it all out.
I feel like i unclogged an internal drain that has been stuck for centuries.
In reflection, here’s the truth: It is all a story. It is not ever necessary to dive into the stories you’re telling in order to figure them out. There is nothing to figure out, it is all a story.
The only things that are true are the things you believe to be true. This case is no different, the answers to the questions i was asking we’re only the answers because i decided they were.
This is a free will universe.
If there were ONE solid thing to figure out in every situation ever, we would not be free. Do you see what i mean?
If the one solid answer to the reason i was feeling what i was feeling was that i was believing i couldn’t have what i wanted, or was afraid of the unknown, then that wouldn’t be a free will, would it? That wouldn’t be me having free choice, would it?
It would be God’s will, fronting as my own, but really imparting itself on my own experience. It would be God’s will, deciding FOR me what my answers are, rather than giving me the opportunity to create my own.
In truth, it is all you–and it is all good, and it is all perfect, even what we believe is bad.
I’m going on a little philosophy tangent here but i’ll come back around.
If i were to believe that the reason i was feeling the way i was, was because of something my mother did, then, in that moment, that would be my truth– but only because i decided so AND in the end she is just me anyways, so really, even still, it all circles back around to me.
If you do not believe such, you will not experience it, and it will not be your truth in this lifetime. But really which lifetime is happening when anyways? That’s a whole other conversation.
My point is, this is what the process looks like. Sometimes it’s sloppy, sometimes it is unclear, sometimes you convince yourself you have to swim through murky waters in order to find clarity– but only because that is what you choose.
Because clarity is just a choice, and if it helps me or you on certain occasions here and there to create something to dive into, in order to find an answer that ultimately just facilitates the choice of clarity anyways, then GREAT, let’s dive head first into a story.
But in the end, it is all a story.
And none of it is real
And the answers are only the answers because i decided so
And still, the choice for clarity was always there
I just convinced myself there was something standing in my way.
I could have sat down with my journal, acknowledged that i was buying into some stories and decided right then and there that i was choosing clarity, excitement, flow, yes- withOUT spending an hour journaling. But instead, i chose to create a story line around it & believe it– which is OK, because in the end it ultimately led me here.
There was no need for the questions, there was no need for the “yeah that feels true” there was no need for the rambling meandering thoughts of confusion, there was no need for any of it, but you see… i unknowingly used it as an aid to get me where i could have gone in the first place, and that is okay.
Something i tell myself a lot, whenever i catch myself in the midst of judging myself for NOT choosing something when i knew damn well i could have chosen it and that, in fact, i actually wanted to choose it, and at that, i know damn well i’m the only one standing in my way, is this: In the end, it doesn’t even matter.
Where i’m going is inevitable, where you are going is inevitable, and the fact of the matter is, that it doesn’t even actually matter how long it takes us to get there, because it doesn’t even matter.
If we have to tell stories upon stories upon stories, and create ourselves into experiences upon experiences upon experiences, until we inevitably come to the choice we knew we could have made years ago, it doesn’t even matter.
Because it is all just a story anyways, and you can tell whichever story you want. You just have to be courageous enough to face the unknown.
***LONG BUT ULTRA IMPORTANT POST / MUSING***