Last night

Last night, at the close of my eighteenth birthday, placed in the salted sand of the island, waves rolling before me, city lights illuminating my back, I sat half in reflection of my life, and half completely empty minded.
I had my favorite person on my side, the sunset was one of the most jaw dropping I’ve seen, the moon was full and in full definition, everything was ease, flow, yes, and the goodness of the moment was unending.
But for some reason, in that moment, a wave of emotion rolled through me and I couldn’t help but cry. And as the tears fell down my face, the only thing I noticed myself doing was looking for a way to label WHY in the world I was crying.
Was I upset? Annoyed? Didn’t know what exactly I wanted to choose? Did something feel hard? Off? Out of alignment?
I cried and cried, gasped for air a little, and after a couple minutes of furiously searching for an answer to my emotion, I hit a wall of surrender, and the only thing I knew to do was be a witness to the magic of the human experience.
And let the tears be the tears, and the air be the air, and the mountain to my left be a mountain, and the moment be the moment, and not have to fit this into a box I could understand. Instead, just honoring where I was.
My past four years have been all about understanding. Trying to figure out, trying to get a grasp. Trying to GET somewhere, trying to quantum leap, trying to be 20 steps ahead at all times. I’ve grown and learned and surrendered and released, and always, of course, I’m brought back to who I really truly am.
All of which doesn’t really have anything to do with the point I’m about to get to, but truthful and important nonetheless, because the thing I really want to say that I’m learning NOW, or remembering rather, is that it’s actually okay, and in fact pivotal to actually just be where I am.
And that no, I actually don’t have to imagine myself 20 steps down the road all the time. And instead, I can just be me. Right here. Right now.
As I was crying, I was hit with a knowing or choice or maybe an intention, that this next year, Is not about setting lofty goals– at least not right now.
But before you freak out and ask me who the fuck I even am right now, let me preface with this.
I don’t believe in logical thinking.
I believe in magic and miracles.
And always, without fail, I know somewhere deep in my heart that I CAN have everything I fucking want. (And you can too)
So when I say I’m not setting lofty goals, I don’t mean that I’m not asking for things– that is simply impossible. And I don’t mean it not striving for things, or always improving, or rather always holding myself in new states of being, altering my experience as a whole.
I desire the whole shebang. Complete with luxury, fame, millions upon millions of dollars, ground breaking revelations, amazing fucking relationships, the freedom to be me & do me at all times WHILE receiving abundantly, and so on and so forth. That will never change, I’ll always be asking for/being more, AND I’ll always be getting more.
But when I take a really honest look at my life, over the past however many moons, I’ve never actually FULLY allowed myself to just be where I am & LOVE it. (Save for ever increasing moments here and there)
I’ve always just seen myself 20 steps down the road, which explains a lot of the stress and pressure I’ve put on myself to be better, smarter, more successful, more abundant, more put together, more IMPRESSIVE, more whatever.
And never actually really let myself just be.
(Which, contrary to what my mind just tried to tell me, does NOT mean I don’t have purpose & passion, or that I’m not choosing in alignment with what I want– it ACTUALLY means the opposite.)
So last night, on the beach, the only thing I could ask for, in acknowledgment of the grace in which I’d like to/I get to move into the next chapter with was to allow myself, slowly but surely, one step at a time, a LITTLE bit more kindness, a LITTLE bit more joy, a LITTLE bit more presence, a LITTLE bit more knowing, a LITTLE bit more purpose, a LITTLE bit more power, a LITTLE bit more passion, a LITTLE bit more vibrancy, one step at a time.
Which does not mean I’m asking to move at a snails pace. It just means every second, every moment, I just want to be a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, rather than asking for THE WHOLE DAMN LOT all at once which is incredibly UN-honoring of where I am, and is just me always trying to be somewhere else– 20 steps ahead.
Because I know I will have it all, and in good timing too, (mark my words) and that once I “have it all” there will STILL always be more I want because there’s no such thing as “all of it”, so WHY in the world would I ever rush to get there?
Why not instead, hold that knowing solid in my heart, let everything else go, ask for a little bit more in each moment, and just fucking enjoy where I actually AM for a change & not need that to mean I’m stuck, or stagnant, or purposeless, but just–
Baby stepping.
One step at a time-ing.
Stepping into more
Just not all at once.
THAT feels like receiving. THAT feels like bliss. THAT feels like ease. THAT feels like purpose. THAT feels like passion. THAT feels like a rich life, in which I get to saturate myself in every moment, in total allowance and joy and peace and freedom.
Yes please.
That’s the ultimate birthday wish.

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