It just dawned on me

It just dawned on me, well it always is, but now specifically in this moment, all the ways i’ve tried to understand the extreme contrast in which i’ve so often created myself into.
So many times, i’ve come up with reasons for why i’ve felt the way i have, or searched for answers for WHY in the world it seemed i could only really feel GREAT for a week or two at a time, before eventually rounding back to how i felt when i was drowning, a little bit–or maybe a lot in what felt like unworthiness, or insecurities, or a little bit of this a little bit of that, but never. quite. hitting. the nail on the head for why, or when, or how it all started. Or, might i add, for WHY i was STILL experiencing it when i KNEW better.
Maybe only hinting at it, the real reason if that’s even a thing, from time to time but shying away, never actually letting myself GRASP it because it always felt a little too MUCH, or maybe just felt depleting and shameful because i did, really, at least i convinced myself i did, KNOW better than to keep creating what it actually was.
A shit cocktail of many different things, all spinning at once, but always coming up with a new answer, a new story, a new whatever, always claiming this was it and i would forever be rid of this experience i loathed. Always fronting with different answers – and it WAS those answers, at different times, but only because i decided it was, and so yes, i WAS always “figuring it out,” but never actually releasing.
I sat with my family last night for the first time in 8 months happy, in joy, in love, admiring the beautiful family i chose, and yet still, there was a lingering, a small vague, kind of far away voice, whispering to me throughout the whole night saying, “You can’t actually have what you want.”
This thought, i’ve grown so familiar with, has flavored my every experience for as long i can remember, but never, until now, was i willing to look at it fully. I convinced myself that no actually, i believe in myself, and i love myself and i’m proud of myself so it must, it MUST be something else because all the good things you can feel about yourself i DO feel, or at least i HAVE at some point. Maybe not always, but i’m not perfect and i’m growing, but i HAVE, oh i have.
And i have, and also i don’t, which makes for a confusing and contrasted experience.
That i could feel happy, ecstatic, yes, flow, everything is working out, magic at every turn, for a LITTLE while, but never really steady, or stable. (and now that i look at it, my entire life makes so much more sense.) and ultimately, i would always, come back around to where i was which was sad, and defeated, and not believing.
Because always when i felt good, GREAT, i would have one eye on the prize and one eye looking back at how i might feel again, or maybe even just one eye on the comparison of how i felt NOW versus how i felt then, which is still focus, which is still creation.
And the duality. Of feeling all the good things you can, believing totally in yourself and your capability, and it builds and it builds and you’re on the cusp, until suddenly you shoot yourself down and buy into the thought of not actually being able to have what you want– not YOU.
Over the past year, two years, maybe four, or a lifetime perhaps, this has been my experience. This has been my normal. And even as i’m writing that, i look back further than i’ve ever let myself with this particular thing and i laugh at the sheer magnitude i must have chosen to have this experience before even i came into this experience. Because WOW has this been steady.
Even as a child, unaware of my creative capacities (or debatably more aware) when i chose to have one mother and one father, completely separate, entirely opposite– one representing all the good i could experience, and one representing all the bad. Not that they WERE that per say, but just the perspectives they held. And i can see how i must have absorbed a whole lot of BOTH sides of the spectrum in terms of what is actually possible for me. And how i carried them both to now, and throughout my every experience. And how even then, when i was unaware that my internal was creating my external ( i was aware but not like i am now) it was so obvious, clear as day, how this back and forth was my normal.
So it makes sense then, why something so wobbly has been something so solid for me, something that has come with me everywhere i go, why i have found so much comfort in the back and forth. Why i felt, subconsciously that it was something that really got me, understood me, would always be there for me, even though it was never actually what i wanted to feel or believe, even though it often left me debilitated. And even as i’m writing this, in full anticipation of ACTUALLY letting it go this time, i feel myself mourning a small amount for the friend i’m about to step away from.
And i look at last night, how this feeling of not being able to have what i really wanted lingered in the background as i felt happy, good, and the only thing i wanted to do was curl up in my mothers arms, and i peer back 12 years ago, how at my fathers, when it all got too much, all i wanted was to be in my mothers arms, and it all just makes sense.
There’s a part of me who feel like i cant be sharing this because it’s raw and real and vulnerable and is something i’ve never actually let myself know before, let alone share, because i was always running, denying, still choosing it. Yet there’s a bigger part of me who knows that yes, actually, this is what big girls do– release the stories and splay their hearts out for the internet… okay maybe not all big girls, but the one i choose to be.
And i find comfort and empowerment, a new sense of it, in this sharing.
Rather than feeling afraid, unworthy, small.
The answer, the one i’m now choosing, was there all along, but never until now, was i ready to release it. So i guess it took coming to hundreds of different stories before i was ever ready to finally bid it goodbye, and this story, this one fateful story about my childhood and the duality, just happened to come when i was ready, and gets to represent the time i finally moved on. And the time i actually became grateful for the core it built in me. The resilience, the tenacity to get back up every time, the penchant for succeeding even when all signs pointed to no.
Or maybe not, and this is just another story to pass, because the answer, every time, and all along, has always been just to move my focus elsewhere, and change my beliefs, but still for some reason, the story makes it digestible, or real, or something to hold on to. Makes it feel like more of a theatrical turning point.
And i get to say hello to something new
Something big
Something entirely outside of the scope of what i’ve let myself experience before.
I get to let myself go all in.
Something i’ve never let myself do before.
Because always, i was subconsciously afraid that none of it would work out anyway, so whats even the point in trying.
But i know, and have always known, that i have so much in me. And if you’ve been following me for any amount of time, i’m sure you’ve caught on to it too, even though i’ve only ever let myself play at a sixteenth of the level i know i can. There’s so much inside just waiting to burst forth should i finally wave the flag and just say–
There is so much good to become and create should i, and you, just pull the trigger.
Which brings me back to the contrast, because this knowing, that there’s MORE has always been there, and i feel highly blessed to have been able to facilitate so much self-love, well-being, knowledge and on and on and on, in the short span of time i have had here, at least this time around. Even though by no means have i let it be easy, let alone as easy as it should be, as it CAN be– a type of easy i’ve not actually tapped into yet.
When its good, its GOOD, which is why i know that when i finally, actually, praise the Lord, LET myself go all in, choose the same thing, the yes, the miracles, the goodness, the so good i don’t even know how it’s mine, on repeat, until something bigger and better, and MORE comes along like it always does, I’ll look back in a month, and another, and another, and not even know how i got where i did in as little time as i did.
Because the rub now is, i actually know HOW i create my reality, like for real, and i know how that shit works and always always always, you can find my with my face buried in a quantum physics, law of attraction book, learning more and more and more– even though it’s all already been taught in the very first lesson.
And i do, now, and forever, create miraculous shit, by design– which makes me… unstoppable.
So if i’m just willing now, to choose and choose and choose my way into what i really REALLY want in full knowing that it is mine if only i believe it is, in every expression, especially the ones so much bigger than i can even conceive of now, i would be reality defying. In every way.
I’m daring myself, to be bold, and courageous, and face up, on repeat, to what i want, and share it with you.
If you’ve been following me closely lately, you might have found that i haven’t really “been” here. A post occasionally, here and there, but never actually HERE, if you know what i mean. Because i’ve been running, from this very thing i shared with you, and the only thing i could manage to get out, was that it was time to choose anew. Because what it really was, the truth, was that i was afraid, and facing something big i’d never had to face before, and it all just felt too much, and like i didn’t know the answers– only because i was making it hard.
And the knowing that the end of the road, this one right here, is right beneath my feet, the only thing left being a continuous choice, resonating in my bones, and terrifying me.
But it is,
the end of the road here.
And it’s time
Actually now.
To choose what i haven’t let myself choose yet
On repeat
Over and over again
Eyes on the desired outcome
In positive expectation
Even when it feels like it isnt working
Until i have the experience steady in my hands,
And then the next
And the next
And the next.
Forever and ever, amen.
And i dare you
To be bold
And courageous
And choose the damn thing with me.
Because honestly, what is there to lose.

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